The Declaration of Limerick

We find this the fitting occasion
To declare to the world: separation
In this historic hour
We hereby claim the power
To become a separate nation

But it would not be much fair to you guys
If we did not even tell you the whys
Why we dissolve all the bands
Why we throw up our hands
Why we say you've been feeding us lies

We hold all these things to be true
That God has made both me and you
And that so we won't fight
He has given us rights
Both of us, and important ones, too

The inalienable rights are a "Doi"
They're Life, Liberty, Pursuit of Joy
And to make these rights sure
We've come up with a cure
Institute government, and all of its ploys

Yet this government has not the power
If not justly derived from the lower
Just powers need consent
From the people who leant
Them the power to to sit in the tower

If this government does not do its job
If it's filled up with tyrants and slobs
If they abuse the rights
And ignore the plights
Of their subjects, who are killed, raped and robbed

Then the people must alter or abolish
Not endure or excuse or try to polish
A government disruptive
A government destructive
A government wanting them to act sheepish

Now we will talk of the present King of Britain
To a candid world, let it be written
He's a long, wicked list
Of a hard iron fist
A man indifferent, indignant, and a villain

We can list a long train of abuses
Usurpations and various misuses
Of these colonies proper
The King's made us all paupers
With his taxes and with threats of nooses

Here are things we have all suffered through
The King won't give a nod to laws new
That might alleviate needs
At our needs, he recedes
And keeps us ever at the end of the cue

He micromanages his Governors fiercely
And forbids them from passing laws merely
On his own untrusting whim
You might say he's quite dim
Or if not, he's been acting quite queerly

He will not give us representation
Which intimates his own nervous station
Only tyrants need fear
From the review of peers
Of his cunningly cruel altercations

He won't let our lawmakers meet in a place
That's convenient for discussing our case
And by shipping them around
He wears them all down
So they'll accept any new law in disgrace

He will not let us have judges to draw
Conclusions in our own courts of law
And the ones he does have
Are economically, his slaves
He manipulates with a flick of his paw

He has erected a slew of new posts
Filled with his cronies that he likes the most
He sends them all here
And they drink all our beer
And they eat all our corn, bread and toast

When it's peaceful, his foul soldiers roam
And set up themselves in our homes
Our policemen are powerless
Our young maidens, flowerless
And the soldiers leave lice in our combs

When his soldiers have murdered someone
Killed in cold blood, they don't even run
He protects them, so vile
With a mock, doctored trial
And the murd'rer recieves back his gun

In temperous tantrum tirade
He has cut off our lifeblood, our trade
He has imposed new taxes
On things like candle waxes
And on all goods that our folk have made

He won't let us be tried by a jury
Cause he's always in such of a hurry
Trumped up charges are laid
So he ships us away
To be tried (if we don't die of scurvy)

He's set up new realms beside us
Canadians that smell stongly of musk
They set precedent
That we must pay high rent
Just to live, and we slave dawn to dusk

Often he's revoked charters he's given
When he's feeling particularly livid
He's suspended our best laws
In a fit of guffahs
And he toys with our lives and our living

He's declared us outside his protection
And severed our once loyal connection
By waging on us war
When we said, "we're too poor
To pay these taxes," (with honest conviction)

Like a pirate he's plundered our seas
Sent his sailors to spread lots of VDs
He's burnt down our towns
At the whim of his Crown
And ignored our concilliatory pleas

He's now importing some mercenaries so gruff
That are foreign and hate us enough
To sow death, desolation and tyranny
Begun with Cruelty and Perfidy
Unparalleled in history and quite rough

He aligns us against our own kin
If on the seas we stray too near to him
His soldiers conscript us
Right after they whip us
And force us to fight body and limb

He has stirred up the injuns agin' us
In a big pincher movement they pin us
They way that they fight
They dont care, wrong or right
They kill women and children (it's heinous)

Now in every above stage we have mentioned
We petitioned for the Crown's intervention
In our humble duress
We just asked for redress
And recieved yet more anal retention

A Prince, whose character is thus
Is unfit to be ruler of us
We call him a tyrant
And we become defiant
And we dissolve now the last of our trust

Nor have we been unfair to our brothers
We've asked kindly just not to be smothered
The reason for our settlement
On this new continent
Was somewhat so that we'd not be bothered

But the British people as well have ignored
And been deaf when we've cried out to the Lord
So we acquiesce in the necessity
To pursue a separate destiny
We'll no longer beg you to put down your sword

We, therefore, the United States assembled
Appeal to the Supreme Judge for the motives we've kindled
We officially declare
That we'll no longer wear
The label of Britain's subjects and tremble

We are now Free and Independent States
We are separate, it's not up to debate
We're absolved of Allegiance
To the Crown and its Regent
Ya'll can't coax us back now ('cause it's too late)

To this end we now pledge mutually
Against threat of death, we claim we are free
For this firm Declaration
God will protect this nation
We trust Divine Intervention, and Providentially

Have a great Memorial Day!

Limericks from the dead of night

"CSI - Special Education Unit"

"Drag the bottom," I say, "He'll be 'round"
But we drug it and nothing was found
Except one old tire
And a great ball of wire
And the body of some dude who drown

"Southern Suspicion"

Clowns n' monkeys should nevah be trusted
For they'll throw at ya pies made o' custa'd
When they throw these foul pies
They wul gets in yoe eyes
If ya done waush, they might gets encrusted

"Freeze Style"

Free-style skiing is not made for ease
And you're likely to throw out your knees,
Be impaled by a limb
And the lights will go dim
Like as not you will catch a disease

"Teacher Valentines"

Education is different from smarts
Cause they each come from such different parts
One comes from your brain
The other, a vein
But they both come from deep in your heart

"Smart Dog"

As I strum my guitar by the road
My dog thumbs, with his tiny thumb node
A beemer answers our plea
But the dog has to pee
And jumps in after dropping a load

Limericks with moral lessons

"A bird in the hand is worth one in the mouth:"

A grosbeak with brilliant red plumage
Allowed one tiny finch to pay homage
The finch flitted close
But then snap! went the gros
The powerful needn't suffer to rummage

"Any cat can be trained. But only one kind of cat can learn 'stay'. The dead kind."

Trivet the housecat loosed one feral growl
But was outdone by a massive wolf howl
Trivetsy ran with a screech
But was not out of reach
And consequently was found disemboweled

"Vanity is a fickle mistress:"

The tort-lawyer was as fast as his hair
That he combed in a pompador flair
With one flick of his neck
So his spine was a wreck
He then sued himself for compulsory care

"Nothing lasts forever:"

An anatomically correct G.I. Joe
Snapped off his... err... biggest toe
Poor Joe was now maimed
Or rather, was tamed
Your mom (the collector) screamed, "NO!"

"Despair is French for 'these two':"

Gumby was once left to die
In the desert, he sat with a sigh
As he cracked in the sun
Gumby pulled out his gun
And shot Pokey square in the eye

I hope we all learned something today.

Wilford once offered me porridge
But I couldn't drum up the courage
You see, he'd spiked it with raisins,
Grass clippings and grazings
It's astounding what one old man can forage

So tell me, friend, how is your gout?
It might help if you drink from this spout
Yes, get down, drink your fill
And then take this small pill
Placebos only will work without doubt

Determined, I run for the hills
I've written now, several spare wills
If the wolves catch my cloak
Then it's dodge, jump and poke
My agile, lithe frame is what kills

The yetis of the Himalayas
Are well known gansta-type playas
With their rap songs all blazing
And roast ribs a glazing
They yell out at each other, "Oh, Heyas!"

Rabbit warren are breeding amuck
They have all four feet and all of their luck
If they cannot be bopped
Their multiplication, unstopped
Will make every last person say, "Yuck!"

Grumples, the gardening gnome
Had such coarse, wooden hair in his comb
That it broke all to pieces
And he cursed at the geeses
And cursed his unmanageable dome

Randalf Snivels once had a chauffeur
A modern descendant of Moors
This old chap wore a turbin
And drank lots of burbin
And was far too high-class to drink Coors

Dmitri, the last cosmonaut
Tried to sneak in the capsule some pot
When he got back, it'd grown weird
Smothered by his overgrown beard
He was caught on return and was shot

Franken-possum was most long-lived of all
But even he one day felt death's final call
At long last he was laid
Or rather, was made
Into a stich-coat, taxidermied doll

Yogg, with forehead prow large
Will be one who clan set now in charge
He say, "you make fire
And you, you make tire.
Not make wheel. Not make boat; make barge."

Limericks Begin

At the beginning, yes, all of my words
Sound like I'm blissfully singing with birds
They flow from my lips
'til unforseen, a balance tips
And the last words of my rhymes are just turds

A limerick, by any other name
Would prob'ly feel all too darn tame
You might call it "high-ku"
But then I'd say, "bless you!"
We all sneeze, don't act all so ashamed

A trio of surly, coarse men
Were debating on how to raise hens
One said, "keep them penned"
Another said, "it depends"
And the third of them simply broke wind

A boullion cube lodged in my broth
Bouyed near a prostrate giant moth
When I tried to complain
The waiter asked me my name
So I slipped in an old dirty cheese cloth

A limerick is easy to write
Start your scribbles and move left to right
One and Two, rhyme and meter,
Third and fourth, a little speedier
And the last, like the first, but with bite